Fact #1: I have been known to avoid conflict.
Fact #2: I have been known to assume that people around me do not actually like me.
I have been known to irritate people because of these traits. Usually only moderately, or so they tell me (see Fact #2).
I did something enormously stupid due to a combination of these two facts. Or rather, failed to do something. Of course, the curse of the belief of these two facts is that they can sometimes become self-fulfilling. When I put together the Million Box I knew that they couldn’t tour. I knew their time was limited, that they had other priorities. None of these things were issues for me, though, and I couldn’t foresee a time in the near future when it would become a problem.
Then I got signed. The CD came out and Daemon wanted me to travel. So I put together another band, equally as talented, who could travel and who’s schedules allowed them to commit more time. I didn’t do this out of any frustration with the Million Box, but out of a necessity. Everyone in the Million Box more or less knew at some point the situation would end simply due to logistics. I knew it, too, I suppose.
But at the same time I actually thought that playing in my backing band was sort of putting everyone out. I knew they liked me, liked the music, but I also knew I was asking a lot of them to play shows for really no money, to schedule rehearsals, etc. The problem is (see Fact #2) that this belief grew into a belief that they would all actually be happier not playing anymore.
It can easily be pointed out that this belief contradicts my earlier statement that I knew they liked me and that’s why they were still playing. This is the beauty of full-on neurosis. To me, somehow, it made perfect sense that they really didn’t enjoy playing, didn’t really like to do it, and yet they were only doing it because they liked me and liked my music.
Do you see? They didn’t like me and were only hanging around because they liked me.
Yes, I know.
So when the Florida tour came along it became apparent, separate from all of this, that the touring band was really coming together, and it didn’t really make any sense to have a band for in town and a band for out of town. So one needed to be brought to a close and it was clear, just again from a logistical point of view, which one it had to be.
When I got back in town I should have gotten in touch with them all immediately. But I didn’t. I let it linger. Why? See Fact #1. I was afraid to tell them that I was going to be using the other band from now on. That’s right, the band that somewhere in my head I had become convinced didn’t want to be playing anymore anyway (and , it should be made clear, never once did anything to even hint that they didn’t want to. It was all just me).
It’s quite a piece of work, don’t you think?
It was Rob who eventually called me on it. First by joking about me firing him one day at the studio and so I admitted, yeah, it looked like it’d be mainly the other band from now on since the tour. Then a few days ago he outright told me he was offended by the way I had handled it. All I did was apologize… I had fucked up. It seemed stupid to try and explain it, it would have sounded like I was making excuses and didn’t mitigate it at any rate. I got in touch with everyone else and let them know what was going on then, too. Everyone seemed to be fine with it, the only complaint just being that they had wondered what was up. Everyone knew it was a finite thing going in, they had all talked about how I’d be better off with a more stable band, apparently.
But I’m mainly trying not to let this lesson go past me. Again.